


The Duchess, The Sailor And The Black, Black Kilt

by Liadt



Category: Doctor Who (1963)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-26
Updated: 2014-02-26
Packaged: 2018-01-13 18:04:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1235995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liadt/pseuds/Liadt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On an errand for the Doctor, Ben, Polly and Jamie find themselves looking for missing girls instead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Duchess, The Sailor And The Black, Black Kilt

*****  
Prologue

*****

Betty MacDonald’s heels rang out like gunshots on the cobbles. She was making her way home alone, in the dark. Several metres ahead of her, a tall, willowy figure walked out into the middle of the street. The figure pointed a large object at her, it was the same length as a rifle, but far bulkier. Betty narrowed her eyes: was it a club? She halted and thrust her hand into her handbag and drew out a long kitchen knife, she carried in case of trouble. She waved the knife to signal she wasn’t to be messed with and turned to run.

Betty made a mistake in not fleeing immediately. Before she could turn back the way she had come, there was a flash from the bulky weapon and dark powder covered her face. A second blast hit her legs. She felt as if a thousand pins and needles had pricked her flesh. When she tried to wipe the powder off her face, it paralysed her fingers. Betty attempted to scream, but her facial muscles wouldn’t move.

The figure slunk over to Betty, as she fell unconscious. It was humanoid with grey skin, beady, purple eyes and clad in a tight, maroon jumpsuit. The alien slung the powder gun over one shoulder and bent to pick up Betty. Balancing her on its hip, it disappeared back into the dark recesses of the city.

*****  
**  
*****

Late in the afternoon, Ben, Polly and Jamie were walking down a wide, city street together. They were flanked on both sides by tall, grey buildings. Once they had been fine buildings, for the well to do, but they had fallen into disrepair and had a dismal air of deprivation. Polly was wearing a shapeless, blue dress, with a dropped waistline typical of the 1920’s. They had landed in Scotland in 1922, according to the Doctor and Polly had decided to dress appropriately for the period. She wished the hemline was higher, but it was too early for the twenties to start really roaring. Jamie wore his usual kilt and shirt. Ben had chosen a plain shirt and trousers; they weren’t cut in the style of the era they had landed, in but weren’t that out of place. 

Ben turned to Jamie. “You’ve brought the right cash haven’t you?”

Jamie pulled a large black and white note out of his sporran. “Of course I have. Look - 1920’s, like the Doctor said.”

Polly peered into the sporran. “Are there any other kinds of money in there?” The Doctor’s dating could occasionally be out, by several centuries.

Jamie shook his sporran and made it rattle. “I’m nae fool.”

“The Doctor has a lot of money for someone who claims not to have any use for it,” observed Ben.

“He probably picked the notes up for wrapping a sandwich in,” said Polly. “I don’t think we’re going to find any honey and lemon for the Doctor’s sore throat here.”

“Aye, yon building looks like a fort,” said Jamie.

“Or a prison,” added Ben.

Polly glanced at the houses. “Forts and prisons don’t have graffiti.”

“They don’t have wee bairns running around either,” said Jamie, as a group of barefoot children ran out of a building laughing, followed by the shouts of an angry, broom wielding, woman.

“I wish someone would stand still long enough for us to ask them if there’s a grocers near,” grumbled Ben.

The three companions moved to the side of the street, as two horses pulling a cartful of coal sacks drew up to them.

“Fancy a ride, lassie?” said cart‘s driver, leaning out of his seat.

“No, she does not,” said Ben, who didn‘t like the look of the fellow.

“Only being friendly. I wasn’t talking to you.”

“I’m fine, thank you,” said Polly, coldly. She didn’t like the way the man was leering at her.

The coal merchant shrugged and urged the horses on.

“Ye could have asked him if there were any shops near,” said Jamie.

Polly wasn‘t impressed. “Jamie! He had a sleazy look about him.”

“He wouldnae have done anything, with me and Ben to protect you.”

Polly rolled her eyes in response and pointed up the hill. “They might be decent human beings.”

Over the ridge of the hill strolled a young man and woman. Neither of them was very tall, with the girl under five feet. Their dress was unremarkable. The lad’s suit had seen better days and on closer inspection, the girl’s dress had a number of almost invisible repairs. Their pleasing heart-shaped faces and matching strawberry blonde hair signalled the pair was related.

Polly walked up to the two, wearing a friendly smile. “Excuse me; do you know where we could buy a jar of honey and some lemons, please?”

The lad’s eyes lit up appreciatively and smiled back, he wasn’t the only one to notice a pretty girl. The girl raised an eyebrow at her sibling. She replied for the both of them. “Aye, but its half day closing. You’ll have to wait until tomorrow.”

Polly was disappointed. “It’s for our friend. He’s suffering from a rare case of flu.”

“I know where there’s a chemist,” responded the girl.

“Oh, he doesn’t take Ear-er normal medicine - he’s sensitive,” said Polly.

“I cannae say I blame him. You cannae trust what quacks make. It could be any old muck. I’m Alex, by the way,” said the lad, smiling again and putting out his hand for Polly to shake.

“And I’m Mo, his sister. I see you’ve got some pals with you,” said the girl, as Ben and Jamie hovered behind Polly.

“I’m Polly and these two are…”

“Ben.”

“Jamie. Nice to meet you.”

“Is Jamie giving you and your sweetheart a tour?” asked Mo.

Polly became flustered. “Oh no, I’m not going out with Ben and Jamie’s visiting with us. We‘re all friends.”

“Ah, I thought he was wearing it for the tourists, as you’re English,” said Mo.

“We have some honey back at our place and we could borrow a lemon,” said Alex, cheerfully.

“Smashing, we can pay for them,” offered Polly. Alex and Mo didn’t look wealthy.

Mo waved a hand dismissively. “It’s nae bother. You can keep your money. Follow us.”

****

After a walking a couple of miles, the small group entered into a large multi-storey building and climbed the staircase. “The kitchen is up here,” said Alex, over his shoulder. The five young people came into the kitchen, which also served as a communal living area. In the centre of the room was a long table, where a stout middle-aged woman, in a tabard, was chopping vegetables. She gave them a disapproving look.

“Good afternoon, Enid,” said Alex, formally.

“Is it indeed? You know the landlady doesnae allow parties or any other carryings on.”

“It’s nothing like that; they’ve come to get honey and lemon for their sick pal.”

“They’ll be suffering from some sort of sinful disease no doubt.” Enid always thought the worst of what young people got up to.

“Don’t be like that, Enid.” As she spoke, Mo pulled a small wooden crate out of one of the cupboards and started rooting through its contents. “Here’s the honey. Do you think Asif will mind us taking a lemon? He has all the exotic things.”

“His cupboard is full of nasty, smelly, foreign muck, if you ask me,” said Enid.

Alex moved over to investigate Asif’s cupboard. “Which nobody did. Foreign muck’s the future of food. If I had a restaurant…”

“Which you never will,” sneered Enid.

Ignoring her, Alex continued, “In my restaurant I wouldn’t fry chops, like I do at O’Hagan’s. I’d serve all the best dishes from around the world.”

Mo gave an indulgent smile to her brother’s favourite flight of fancy. “Alex has plans.”

“I’d like to see you cook fancy stuff in a jail’s kitchen.”

“Enid! Where did that come from? Have you ever wondered if it‘s your poisonous attitude that has made your husband ill?” said Mo, shocked.

“Humph.” Enid flung the knife point down into the chopping board. As she stormed out of the room, she spoke to Polly. “A word of advice: be careful you don’t end up like all the other girls Alex has had up here, hen.”

“What does she mean?” said Ben, ready to protect Polly.

“Girls have been going missing over the last fortnight. I’ve walked out with most of them, but it doesn’t mean I’ve done anything to them,” said Alex, scowling in the direction Enid had gone.

Mo moved to the table and was wrapping the honey and lemon in greaseproof paper. “I reckon it’s the coalman. He always leering at lassies from his cart and offering a ride. He gives me the creeps. And there are soot marks from where they’re said to have been snatched from.”

“Aye, we go down the street Betty MacDonald, who was the first to disappear, takes home. I’d never seen so much as a speck of dust there before. The day after she disappeared there was a big, smudgy, soot mark.”

Mo nodded. “It was no normal soot - it was uncanny. I touched it and my fingers tingled all over with pins and needles. I told a bobby and he told me not to talk stupid.”

“It doesnae sound like anything of this Earth,” said Jamie, thoughtfully. “I cannae go back to the TARDIS without seeing if I could help out a lassie in distress.”

Mo smiled at Jamie, as she passed him the greaseproof parcel - she had taken a shine to him. “Eh? What’s a TARDIS?”

“It’s our travelling machine,” said Jamie.

“Och, it‘s an odd name for a car, but it has a ring to it.”

“Jamie’s right, it doesn’t sound anything an ordinary plod would know how to handle. Could you show us the soot marks? Our sick friend is a scientist; he’ll know what it is.”

“Aye, the Doctor can test it and we can fight the lassie snatching beasties,” said Jamie.

Alex taking heart from the three friends, for not believing Enid’s accusations said, “We lads can try and lure the culprit out. Jamie can act as bait.”

“He’s nae feminine looking,” said Mo, critically.

“It doesnae matter, if it’s after dark, with the kilt he’ll look like a lassie in a skirt.”

“Wouldn’t it be better if I went with you?” said Polly.

“I’m nae letting no more girls be taken off Lord knows where,” said Alex.

“What makes you think we cannae defend ourselves?” Mo picked up her handbag and swung it in a menacing manner.

“If you stick with me and promise to no go off anywhere on your own,” said Alex, reluctantly. 

Mo looked triumphant. “Done, I’ll give that creepy coal merchant what for. It’s been a long time coming. Do you want some tea before we go? The dirty devil only strikes after dark.”

****

Vaarn, who was a Fraarn from Reba V or more simply an alien, waited impatiently down a small side alley, just off a larger street. One more, thought Vaarn, one more and I can leave this dreary planet. 

Today, the workers hadn’t come down the street at the usual time - they had passed before Vaarn had arrived. He had to leave Earth soon, in time for an auction of oluruhu - a desirable creature. Vaarn’s shipment of oluruhu had become sick and he was replacing the dead creatures with humans. If he didn’t turn up at the auction, with the numbers he said he was bringing, he would lose the fee he had paid. A small token sum it was not.

Vaarn’s head snapped to the side, as he heard the steps of a human walking at a pace. It was Jamie scouting ahead as the others examined, as well as they could in the poor light, an old sooty stain further up the street. Jamie was hoping to surprise any suspicious characters lurking in the shadows.

Stepping out in front of Jamie, Vaarn hefted up the bulky gun, as he had done so many times before, and fired it at Jamie. As the black powder hit Jamie’s lower body, he felt his exposed legs and hands go numb. He tried to wipe the powder off onto his kilt, but it was too late, his legs seized up and he fell down onto the cobbles. As Vaarn began to lift the young Highlander, his friends came near enough to see what was happening. 

“Hey!” shouted Ben, sprinting towards Vaarn. 

The alien tried to run, but he was weighed down by his load. Ben thumped Vaarn’s back and attempted to get him into a headlock. Dumping Jamie onto the ground, Vaarn used his superior strength to extract himself from Ben’s grip and reached for the gun slung over his shoulder. Before Vaarn could get the gun into a firing position, Alex came up with a dustbin lid and whacked him over the head. Vaarn dazed by the blow, shook his head. Ben, knowing alien weaponry when he saw it, grabbed the gun and wrested it free. Vaarn moved forward trying to swat at Ben and Alex in vain, as they dodged his blows. His confusion over which of the pair to concentrate on attacking was ended by Polly and Mo. Between them they had picked up and carried the lidless dustbin from across the road. With Vaarn’s back to them, they plonked it over his head and body. Mo then used her foot to hook the alien’s ankle and trip him up. 

As the clouds parted and allowed a welcome beam of moonlight to light the street, Ben fiddled with the gun working out how it was operated. Pointing it at the bin, Ben said, “Come out of there slowly. Any funny business and I’ll use your shooter on you.”

As Vaarn struggled out of the dustbin, Polly and Mo went to check on Jamie, who had been knocked out when his head struck the ground. “He’s alive,” said Polly, relieved. 

“How come he’s covered in soot?” said Mo, attempting to wipe off the black powder. “Ow, my palms are tingling. I can’t feel anything.” Mo was beginning to panic.

“If anything happens to my sister…” said Alex, balling his hands into fists as he addressed Vaarn.

“The effects of the paralysing ray aren’t permanent,” said Vaarn, without emotion.

“I take it you’re the one who has been abducting girls?” asked Polly.

“And letting innocent folk take the blame,” added Alex.

“Answer her,” growled Ben.

“The female humans? Yes.” Seeing the humans faces harden he added, “They are completely unharmed.”

“Where are they then?” said Alex.

“They’re in my ship.”

“At the docks?” asked Alex.

“No, on a wide grassy area with a large glasshouse.”

“He means the botanical gardens. I don‘t see how he could have hidden a ship there,” said Mo, puzzled.

There was a groan from the ground; Jamie was coming to. “Och, my head and my kilt. My sporran’s been ruined.”

Mo, turning her attention away from Vaarn, bent over Jamie feeling for any injuries. “Are you all right?”

“All the better for being tended to by a bonnie lassie.”

“He’s fine, for Jamie,” said Polly, wryly.

“If he’s OK, you can take us to your ship and free those girls, once we’ve got Jamie on his feet,” said Ben to Vaarn.

****

The small group of humans marched Vaarn back to his spaceship. Ben walked behind Vaarn, with the ray gun pointing at his back. The others walked either side of the alien.

Polly’s curiosity got the better of her. “Why were you kidnapping girls?”

“For my order.”

“Your order,” said Polly horrified.

“I was flying to the Genheran quadrant when my consignment of oluruhu caught a virus and some died. If I arrived with fewer specimens than I said I would I’d be fined and make a loss.”

“What were ye selling them for? It had better not be for eating,” said Jamie.

“Oh no, slaves.”

“White slaves like at the pictures? That’s terrible. You don‘t beat and starve them do you?” said Mo.

Vaarn looked distainfully at Mo. “It’s impossible to mistreat an oluruhu.”

“That mebbe, but slavery is nae right. We’re taking the lassies and olu-what-sits with us,” said Jamie.

“You can’t do that, I need to make money from this trip,” said Vaarn, with the first note of emotion creeping into his voice.

“You should have thought of that before you started and chosen a different job,” said Polly, firmly.

As they finally reached the park, Alex peered around in the dark. “Where’s the ship? I cannae see it on the river.”

“It’s under the trees; it’s not a sailing ship.” Vaarn’s voice went back to being disdainful of his captors.

****

Vaarn stopped outside a small copse. “My ship is here.”

“I don’t see anything,” said Alex, striding forwards to see if the ship was hidden in the trees. “Ow!” There was a dull clang as Alex walked into the invisible ship.

“Magic!” exclaimed Mo, as Alex felt the invisible ship.

“A stage trick,” said Alex.

“The camouflage shield is on,” said Vaarn. “Stand back while I open the hatch.” He reached into a pocket of his jumpsuit, pulled out a small device, and pressed it.

Mo and Alex gasped as an opening appeared, as the ramp into the space vehicle lowered. 

“Aliens first,” said Ben and they trooped up into the belly of the ship.

****

The interior of the ship was taken up by a cargo hold, with a lift in one corner to the flight deck and living quarters. The hold was spacious and mostly empty, except for two cages: one with humans in and the other lurch at one end. The oluruhu were humanoid with huge, warm brown eyes. The tallest was five foot and Vaarn had chosen his human replacements to match their height. They differed from humans as they were covered in short, white fur, with golden manes and tails.

“Lord, this is like something from a film and you’re nae human,” said Alex. In the light of the bay, he could see Vaarn’s colouring and purple eyes clearly.

“Alex is that you?” shouted a voice from the pens. “Get us out of here.” The rest of the abducted women joined in with pleas and described Vaarn with words young women weren’t supposed to be able to use with out fainting.

Vaarn shook his head wearily. “I wish I had never come here. Why I ever thought these creatures would sell to the refined buyers of the Genheran quadrant. Look at what I confiscated off them.” Vaarn spread his hand to indicate a pile of the women’s belongings. As well as feminine items like handbags, tissues and cosmetics there were items not normally found in ladies handbags: cold irons, hammers, old police truncheons, meat cleavers, oversized knives and one hand drill.

“A hand drill? What use would that be against an assailant?” asked Polly, puzzled.

“Not all girls are as well brought up as you, Pol. Some prefer to steal than earn their keep,” said Ben.

“Thieves? I’d have thrown them back where I’d found them if I knew that,” said Vaarn, pointing the device at the pen to open its door. “Now, I’ve freed your fellow species, am I free to go?”

“Donnae forget the others,” said Jamie.

“What do you want the oluruhu for? My computer told me there is no market for them on this planet. Why help a different species?”

“It’s wrong to free one set of slaves and not the other because they look different. We have a spaceship of our own, we’ll take them back to where you kidnapped them from,” said Polly.

“Are you mad? Hunttenrung is dangerous. I was lucky to survive.”

“Do what the lassie says or Ben’ll soot yer,” said Jamie.

“Very well,” said Vaarn, stiffly and pressed the device a second time. “Out, out! Come and follow these humans, they’re your masters now.”

The oluruhu obeyed and came over to Ben and Polly.

“We’re going now. I’m keeping the ray gun, in case you thought you’d go on another shopping trip. I wouldn’t stay on this planet,” advised Ben.

“I was leaving tonight. I won’t bother staying on this planet anyway. Humans are no substitute for oluruhu.”

****

While the Doctor’s companions were dealing with Vaarn and the oluruhu, the kidnapped women came over to Alex and Mo.

“Oh, Alex! You saved me,” said Betty MacDonald, dramatically, clasping him to her bosom. “I knew my boy would come to save me.”

A stocky blonde-haired woman dragged her off. “I think you’ll find he came to save me.”

“Why would he want to save any of you? I was walking out with him before I was snatched,” a girl with full lips and figure, enhanced by her honey coloured skin, informed them.

“You’re mistaking my boyfriend for someone else,” said a sloe-eyed brunette, as she surreptitiously stashed the hand drill in a handbag and went to argue with the other girls about who had the exclusive rights to Alex’s person.

Mo rolled her eyes. “It had to happen sometime. I told you so.” 

“Do you think it’s all right to leave now everyone has been freed? I don’t want to be big headed and bask in my heroic status,” said Alex. His eyes darted towards the exit, he knew it wouldn’t be long before the women stopped taking it out on each other and took it out on him.

Jamie, whose attention was split between the girls and the oluruhu, took pity on Alex. “Take this and get the lassies something nice to apologise, before they realise they should be arguing with you.” Think of it as payment for the honey and lemon.” Jamie gave Alex the scrunched up £10 note out of his sporran.

“Thanks,” said Alex, shoving the note in his pocket, with out looking.

“Thank you for catching the thief. Nobody’ll accuse my brother of murder now. Mebbe we’ll meet up again?” said Mo, with a smile of gratitude to Jamie.

Jamie smiled back. “Aye, I’d like to, but with the Doctor we don’t know where we’ll be heading to next.”

After making their goodbyes, Alex and Mo left the ship first followed by the freed women. They left after it was suggested they might like to enjoy their freedom by taking their argument outside. The Doctor’s companions were the last out trailed by the oluruhu.

****

“Were you OK while we were away, Doctor?” asked Polly, as she returned to the TARDIS’s console room. “I’m sorry we took so long. Girls were being snatched by an alien slave trader. He had some alien slaves too and we said we’d take them back home.”

The Doctor looked up from the TARDIS’s console as the oluruhu trooped in. “Oh, no, no, no!” he wailed, dislodging several snotty tissues off the console. He rubbed his watery eyes in the hope the oluruhu would disappear.

“What’s wrong, Doctor?” said Ben.

“They don’t turn in to dangerous beasties do they?” said Jamie, as a couple of the oluruhu rubbed up against him. “They’re very affectionate. It’s the happiest I’ve felt all week.”

The Doctor sighed. “No, oluruhu aren’t dangerous, the opposite in fact. Their native planets’ top species are the olugrom. They are huge, scaly creatures, not dissimilar to your mythological dragon. Olugrom’s are highly, territorial, vicious beasts. The only things they won’t rip to shreds are oluruhu. They create great feelings of affection in others and the olugrom are very protective of them. Because of that and because they are impervious to anything that’s thrown at them it’s very hard to steal oluruhu off them. Now we have to land in their territory and hope the oluruhu get out the TARDIS before an olugrom tries to swipe us.”

“Even so, we couldn’t have left them to be sold as slaves,” said Polly.

“They’re not slaves. I fear something has been lost in translation, Polly, they’re pets.”

“Pets? They’re big for pets,” said Ben.

“It depends on how big their owners are,” said the Doctor.

**** ****

The sun was rising as Alex and Mo made their way home.

Alex inspected the note Jamie had given to him. “We’ll have to leave our jobs.”

“It’ll die down with the girls, there‘s plenty there to buy gifts with. I’m no going into hiding. I’ve no been pulling the wool over people’s eyes,” said Mo.

“I wasn’t thinking of spending the money on the lassies, hen. I was thinking of using it to improve us.”

“£10 is alot, but it won’t buy you a restaurant.”

“Aye, but it’ll get me access to the best kitchens with a bit of bribery. No more frying chops at O’Hagan’s.”

“And what am I supposed to do, O’ great chef, be your maid?” said Mo, sarcastically.

“You can sew fine; you could do something for yourself and end up a fashion designer.”

“I’d like that. If only we lived in Paris.”

“Who said we were staying here?”

 

**** ****

FIN.


End file.
